my humbler pie

Last night I dreamed my grandmother was still alive in some creepy cloister-hospital mashup featuring gothic architecture.   As my mom nonchalantly informed me, rather than being dead she had just been ill, and alone in this crazy weird place for the last 12 years — hurrah! I felt really guilty, and with the knot in my stomach growing -what would she think to see me? would she forgive me for not visiting until now? - I pondered over what I should take on my visit.  I imagined her wasting away in the hospital bed, creating cross bookmarks out of pastel yarn and plastic canvas and decided to bring along her postage collection. I’d show her how I recently organized it, separating each country’s stamps into their respective envelopes.   Then I woke up and realized my grandma was still dead and what a stupid idea that stamp collection thing was.

Last night I dreamed my grandmother was still alive in some creepy cloister-hospital mashup featuring gothic architecture.  

As my mom nonchalantly informed me, rather than being dead she had just been ill, and alone in this crazy weird place for the last 12 years — hurrah!

I felt really guilty, and with the knot in my stomach growing -what would she think to see me? would she forgive me for not visiting until now? - I pondered over what I should take on my visit. 

I imagined her wasting away in the hospital bed, creating cross bookmarks out of pastel yarn and plastic canvas and decided to bring along her postage collection. I’d show her how I recently organized it, separating each country’s stamps into their respective envelopes.  

Then I woke up and realized my grandma was still dead and what a stupid idea that stamp collection thing was.

4 months ago / 2 notes / stuff at my grandparents', personal, dreams,

almost a year and I’m still completely heartbroken

I wanted to go to the show, but not without you

I want to go see that movie, but not without you

And I’m beginning to wonder if there’s anything I can do without you 

6 months ago / 4 notes / crap utter crap, personal,

Beware: Behind every calm, collected and informative email I send in response to some assholery is at least a thousand telepathic FUCK YOUs

7 months ago / 1 note / fucking work, personal,

a scene after tucking grandpaw in tonight

me: goodnight
gpaw: goodnight. love ya.
me: i love you too.
gpaw: what's your name?
me: Amanda
gpaw: Amanda! I remember that. Manda
9 months ago / 2 notes / fuck alzheimers, personal,
This is probably the last picture I have of my grandfather before his Alzheimer’s became apparent.  Moving in to the dorm, my Freshman year.   It was later this year I would receive a phone call that he had become angry at my mom. I had a near breakdown in the hallway outside that very door we’re pictured in front of. I went over to his house afraid, but knowing I had to see him, never having known him to be angry before. I stayed with him a while and he was so very sad and confused. He didn’t know what was wrong with him and, for the first time in my life, I saw my Grandpa cry. He didn’t want me to leave.  He said he missed me so much. I felt like a traitor. I still do.

This is probably the last picture I have of my grandfather before his Alzheimer’s became apparent.  Moving in to the dorm, my Freshman year.  

It was later this year I would receive a phone call that he had become angry at my mom. I had a near breakdown in the hallway outside that very door we’re pictured in front of.

I went over to his house afraid, but knowing I had to see him, never having known him to be angry before.

I stayed with him a while and he was so very sad and confused. He didn’t know what was wrong with him and, for the first time in my life, I saw my Grandpa cry. He didn’t want me to leave.  He said he missed me so much.

I felt like a traitor. I still do.

10 months ago / personal,
 




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